Cray's Wacky Internet Conversations: Not Enough Numbers

Cray's Wacky Internet Conversations: Not Enough Numbers
Cray can do anything in Andyville too.

Disclaimer

The following transcript of conversations, although not profane like most other entries in this series, contains excessive illiteracy and may cause brain damage and seizures in some. Please use discretion when viewing.

My turn

As you may have seen, a while back, Andy furthered Bear's old Wacky series by commenting up some of her unused content. That's not what I'm going to do today. These are my own conversations from a social network chat client. I never planned on contributing to this series, actually, but after having these conversations a while back, I just could not resist. It really made me lose hope for human kind and respect for the educational system. So, I present to you, the tale of my talks with Keisha (who I've nicknamed "weht up" and abbreviated "K"): "Not Enough Numbers."

Weht up

Before I begin, let me note that phone numbers in this conversation have been removed and replaced with decriptions in brackets.

1/27/2011

K (8:15AM):	TIS KISHA

Cray Note: Bad sign when you spell your name wrong on your first message. Her profile plainly says "Keisha."

Cray (8:15AM):	Hello
K (8:15AM):	ARE YOU THRE

Cray Note: Of course she should ask if I'm there... I haven't typed in 15 seconds.

Cray (8:15AM):	Shortly. Going to bed in a bit
K (8:16AM):	HOW R OLD YOU
Cray (8:16AM):	29. Says so on my profile. :P
K (8:17AM):	I AM 20 ARE YOU LOOK AGRIL FRIDS

Cray Note: Wow... English just got raped...

Cray (8:18AM):	I used to be 20... a long time ago.
K (8:18AM):	MY AGO ARE YOU THRE
Cray (8:19AM):	Yes. Just trying to figure out exactly what you said.
K (8:20AM):	ARE UOU LOOK FOR A GRIL FRIDS///// ARE YOU THRE

Cray Note: Yeah, that clears it right up.

Cray (8:21AM):	A girlfriend? I've got one of those.
K (8:22AM):	OK CAN WILL BEE FRIDS
Cray (8:22AM):	Yes. I'm still allowed to have friends.
K (8:23AM):	TES TES YES ARE YOUTHRE
Cray (8:23AM):	I'm not sure
K (8:24AM):	CAN I NMBE FRIDS
Cray (8:24AM):	Ok

Cray Note: I should know by now not to say "ok" when I have no clue what the other person just said.

K (8:25AM):	WEHT IS NMBE
Cray (8:25AM):	You like channel 25?

Cray Note: WEHT is the local ABC affiliate, channel 25, just in case my response confused you.

K (8:26AM):	ARE YOU TIS UP ARE YOU THRE
Cray (8:26AM):	I am here.

Cray Note: She has some serious abandonment issues.

K (8:27AM):	CELLME[a 7 digit phone number, no area code. Her profile has her location as "daville" with no state, so this number is useless, not that I wanted it anyway] [same 7 digit number, we'll just call number a] ARE YOU THRE
Cray (8:27AM):	That's not enough numbers.
K (8:28AM):	[7 digit number with different last 3 digits, we'll call number b] [number a]
Cray (8:29AM):	That is two different sets of not enough numbers
K (8:29AM):	[number a] ARE YOU THRE
Cray (8:30AM):	Yes.
K (8:31AM):	ARE YOU GONG CELLMEME ARE YOU THRE
Cray (8:32AM):	You didn't give me enough numbers.
K (8:32AM):	[number a]
Cray (8:32AM):	That's not enough numbers.
K (8:32AM):	[a 6 digit number] [number a]
Cray (8:33AM):	That's not enough numbers.
K (8:33AM):	[number a]
K (8:34AM):	TIS IS ONE ARE YOU THRE

Cray Note: Perhaps I should better explain the problem at hand...

Cray (8:35AM):	There's only 7 digits.
K (8:36AM):	1 [number a] ARE YOU THRE
K (8:38AM):	ARE YOU GONG TO CELLME

Cray Note: I should have expected that...

Cray (8:38AM):	That's 8 digits, but still not enough numbers.
K (8:38AM):	[7 digit number with different last 3 digits than number a or b, we'll call number c] [number a] ARE YOU THRE
Cray (8:40AM):	I believe we are failing to communicate.
K (8:40AM):	[number a] ARE YOU THRE
Cray (8:42AM):	Am I supposed to pick 3 random numbers to create an actual phone number?

Cray Note: I'm obviously losing patience...

K (8:43AM):	[number a] ARE YOU THRE
Cray (8:44AM):	Are you there?
K (8:45AM):	WEHTUP ARE YOU THRE
Cray (8:46AM):	WEHT-DT
K (8:48AM):	WEHT YOU TALL ARE YOU THRE
Cray (8:49AM):	I'm not sure if I understand you.
K (8:50AM):	JUNT HITMEUP
Cray (8:51AM):	You didn't give me enough numbers.
K (8:51AM):	[number a] ARE YOU THRE
Cray (8:52AM):	What is your native language?
K (8:53AM):	WEHT ARE YOU DO TODAY ARE YOU THRE
Cray (8:53AM):	I'm talking here before I go to bed. Later, I get up and go to work.
K (8:54AM):	OK
Cray (8:54AM):	What is your native language?
K (8:54AM):	COOL ARE YOU THRE
Cray (8:55AM):	Are you a bot?
K (8:57AM):	IDK ARE YOU THRE

Cray Note: She doesn't know what her native language is, whether she is a bot, or both?

K (9:00AM):	WEHTUP ARE YOU THRE
Cray (9:03AM):	I am here
K (9:05AM):	YES
Cray (9:08AM):	Do you know where I live?
K (9:11AM):	CAN I HAVE YOUR NMB NMBE ARE YOUTHRE
Cray (9:11AM):	How about the rest of yours?
K (9:12AM):	I HAVE YOUR NMBE
Cray (9:12AM):	You do?
K (9:12AM):	ARE YOU THRE
Cray (9:13AM):	Do you know where I live?
K (9:15AM):	EAVILLE EAVILLE
Cray (9:15AM):	Incorrect.
K (9:16AM):	EAVIILE
Cray (9:16AM):	No
K (9:16AM):	EAVIILLE
Cray (9:16AM):	No.
K (9:16AM):	EAVILLE EAVILLE EAVILLE

Cray Note: Oh, for the love of...

Cray (9:17AM):	No. That is not where I live.
K (9:17AM):	EAVILLIE
Cray (9:17AM):	No
K (9:18AM):	EAVILLE
Cray (9:18AM):	Noooooo
K (9:18AM):	EAVILLE
Cray (9:18AM):	NO
K (9:18AM):	EAVILLE ARE YOU THRE
Cray (9:19AM):	No. I'm not there.
K (9:19AM):	EAVILLE
Cray (9:20AM):	Did you ever participate in Book-it?
Cray (9:23AM):	I did. I got a pizza. I'm going to bed. Ok, bye bye.
K (9:24AM):	COOL''''''''' ARE YOU THRE

Well, that was pretty special...

I figured after that, I wouldn't be talking to her anymore, but a few days later, I got pounced unsuspectedly while checking my messages.

1/31/2011

K (7:45AM):	wesup are youthre

Cray Note: At least she found the CAPS LOCK key in those few days...

K (7:46AM):	hello

Cray Note: And, despite my better judgment...

Cray (8:06AM):	Yes, I am here.
K (8:06AM):	can i nmbe
Cray (8:07AM):	What is nmbe?
K (8:08AM):	can i have your nmbe are you thre
Cray (8:13AM):	You never gave me your complete one.
K (8:18AM):	cellme[number a]
Cray (8:20AM):	That's not enough numbers.
K (8:21AM):	cellme[number a]
Cray (8:25AM):	Do you not see the problem I am mentioning?
K (8:30AM):	cellme[number a]
Cray (8:32AM):	Apparently not.

Cray Note: And... bail.

Enough of that

Since I bailed on her in mid-conversation, I figured she wouldn't bug me next time. I was wrong.

2/22/2011

K (7:17AM):	wesup are you thre

Cray Note: No, not here, far from here, Canada maybe...

Cray (7:19AM):	Yes, I'm here.
Cray (7:21AM):	Are you there?
K (7:22AM):	weht are you to tday;;;
Cray (7:22AM):	I'm still a human.
K (7:24AM):	do you hang to toay are you thre hello
Cray (7:26AM):	I am here. I hang now, I suppose, and work later.
K (7:27AM):	weht tim r will gong habg hang are you thre hello hello
Cray (7:29AM):	I am hanging right now before I go to bed, at which point I will sleep until I am required to awaken and depart for my place of employment.
K (7:31AM):	look a grill frds are you thre
Cray (7:32AM):	No, we make seats.
K (7:33AM):	can i have nmbe are you thre hello
Cray (7:34AM):	As I recollect, you never gave me a complete number.
K (7:35AM):	cellme [3 digits] .[4 digits, and the combination of those 3 and 4 digits made a completely different number than any given before, number d] are you thre
Cray (7:36AM):	That's not enough numbers. Plus, those are completely different numbers than you sent the last time.
K (7:37AM):	weht do live are you thre
Cray (7:37AM):	Where do you live?
K (7:38AM):	hello can will hag out ween
Cray (7:39AM):	I'm not a big Ween fan. Japanese Cowboy is ok.
K (7:40AM):	weht r you tis week
Cray (7:41AM):	I'm a human, just like last week.
Cray (7:42AM):	What are you this week?
K (7:44AM):	weht r do tis week
Cray (7:44AM):	I work during the week.
Cray (7:46AM):	What do you do?
K (7:47AM):	weht r you dong week
K (7:49AM):	mayee wht can pickti are you thre

Cray Note: "Pickti?" What the f*** is "pickti?" Is she typing with her ass?

Cray (7:50AM):	I'm not sure what you just said there.
K (7:51AM):	cool

Cray Note: Cool? What? Am I being punk'd?

Cray (7:51AM):	So you meant to confuse me?
K (7:57AM):	sure are you thre

Cray Note: Ashton, you son of a bitch!

Cray (7:58AM):	Yes. Why would you want to confuse me? Can you elaborate?
K (8:00AM):	tes
Cray (8:01AM):	Tes?
K (8:01AM):	weht tim
Cray (8:02AM):	It's 8:02AM
K (8:02AM):	ok
K (8:02AM):	whnt are you thre hello heyy
Cray (8:07AM):	I am here.
Cray (8:09AM):	What is your native language?
K (8:10AM):	weht at pj
Cray (8:10AM):	What?
K (8:13AM):	meen at the paject are you thre

Cray Note: "Paject?" If you're this illiterate, why do you even attempt to use a chat client?

Cray (8:14AM):	What's a paject?
K (8:14AM):	tes
Cray (8:14AM):	Tes?
K (8:14AM):	yes
Cray (8:14AM):	No. What is a paject?
K (8:14AM):	yes park
Cray (8:15AM):	Ok, what about the park?
K (8:17AM):	400
Cray (8:17AM):	400 what?
K (8:17AM):	are you thre
Cray (8:18AM):	I'm here...
Cray (8:23AM):	Are you there?
K (8:25AM):	are you thre
Cray (8:26AM):	Are you there?
K (8:27AM):	tis kisha

Cray Note: S***! She rebooted. Now I have to reteach her everything.

Cray (8:29AM):	Yes. That is your name... only spelled incorrectly.

Cray Note: You know what? F*** it.

After sending these conversations to some of the world's most prominent cryptanalysts, it appears that in the last conversation, I inadvertently made a date to meet this person at an undisclosed park at 4:00 (AM or PM unknown). Oops! Perhaps it is for the best, as she has not been seen online since, so she is probably still sitting at that park waiting, yelling "weht up" at birds and asking passing people "are you thre." The moral of this story? Um... stay in school?

THE END

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