So, I finally gots me some Ninja Unemployment. Hooray! By the way, this column doesn't pay anything..... dammit. So, maybe I should tell everyone why their favorite Ninja Panda is unemployed. |
Well, it all started when I got my job a while back with Torribride Ninjitsu, a small upstart in Andyanna. They were very excited to get me, with my vast Ninja skills. The company was owned by some British douche and his skanky, uppity, fake blonde, dyke cut, middle aged, patronizing, Republican, American wife. I was an on-site Ninja for them, but they gave me the ridiculous job title "Ninja Service Technician." OK, sure, if you want to be a pompous douche, I guess. I got paid a base salary, and then I got paid a commission for all the ass whippin' I did. Yeah, it was sweet. I whipped' more ass every month, so my ass whippin' bucks went up month after month. The only real issues I had with them then were that they seemed angered when I did not drink saki with them. I do not partake in alcohol, but that did not make sense to them. C'mon, I'm a Panda people! |
So, one day, after my biggest ass whippin' month yet, Douchey McBritterson sits me down and tells me he's cutting my commission rate by 60%. WTF? What had Ninja Andy done to deserve this fate? I thought about exhibiting some of my ass whippin' prowess right then, but I held back due to the Ninja code of honor. Much of the fun had been taken out of ass whippin'. |
Ninja Andy is a trooper though (well, actually a Ninja), so I carried on in my Ninja duties, Whippin' as much ass as always. One month after my commission cut, Douchey sits me down again, and tells me that it was my last day as a Ninja for their company. I looked over my shoulder for Black Assassin Samurai, but there were none. I asked why, and he said they couldn't afford to pay me anymore. He cited no wrongdoing nor failures, and commended my Ninja ability. He even said that in the future, he was highly interested in using my services for individual hit contracts. My Ninja scroll that we had both signed when I started with them said that they had to give me 10 days written notice before termination. It also said termination not for just cause warranted severance pay (unless I severed him upon dismissal). This notice was neither written nor 10 days prior, and the cause seemed far from just. The honor code kept me from doing anything rash, so I simply went back home and meditated. |
A few days later, I went in to return my company Katana, and I saw that they had hired a replacement Ninja from Advanced Ninja Enterprises (ANE). I figured this would be the opportune time to mention the hit contracts and scroll issues. Douchey seemed responsive to the hit contracts stuff, but Skanky seemed very standoffish. I knew it was that bitch all along! Upon citing the scroll issues, she brushed it off by saying that I was always one to read the scrolls, but seemed to still imply that the non-compete clause is rocksolid unlike the rest of it..... bitch, you owe me. You die in your sleep! Code of honor.... code of honor.... ok. So, maybe I had tinkled in Douchey's saki after my ass whippin' pay cut. Maybe I left other fluids in Skanky's saki.... they didn't know! Trust me, I know they didn't know! They deserved it anyway! Next time, arsenic..... code of honor.... code of honor.... ok. |
So, after a while, I got no requests for hit contracts, so I knew that Douchey had lied to me. Citing the code of honor, I didn't visit him, I simply visited the Andyanna unemployment office. I filed, and the paperwork took forever. This was surely due to having issues contacting Douchey. Not only is he disorganized, and often intoxicated on the job, but any paperwork that doesn't make him money gets no priority. So, I waited, and waited. Finally, I got the verdict from Andyanna Unemployment. Douchey had claimed that my dismissal was for just cause, and tried to keep me from getting unemployment. They want me to starve and die, don't they. Well, anyway, In the part where I explain my side to Andyanna Unemployment, I told them exactly what I had said above (minus the tinkle). Therefore, they had ruled in my favor, and I quote "dismissal was NOT for just cause." Wait.... not for just cause..... according to my scroll, I get severance pay if dismissed without just cause, and now I have a legal document saying just that! Time to go to Andyanna and do some severing.... or get some pay.... or something like that. Code of honor.... code of honor.... |
The views of Ninja Andy are not necessarily the views of anyone. We don't THINK he actually tinkled in saki, but who knows? We're not even sure exactly what his views are or even what he was talking about. If you know, keep it to yourself, my head already hurts. |
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