| 2 0 0 8 |
"you're coming pretty close to gimmick infringement as 'I'm too fly' is pretty close to 'I'm 50 1337!' I'll let it go though as imitation is the sincerest form of sucking up... or something like that."
|
| Andy: | Seriously, why must people always rip me off? |
| Cray: | Your sparkling personality? |
| Andy: | Douche... |
| 2 0 0 8 |
"FESTIVE? What the hell do you mean by that? 'I'm too fly,' you are a girl, right? RIGHT? Holy crap... this may not quite be what I thought it was when I started..."
|
| Cray: | I think they've hit it right on the nose... "FESTIVE!" |
| Andy: | Stop it, stop it, stop it! |
| Bear: | Like one of those rainbow parades? |
| Cray: | That's the ticket! |
| Andy: | I HATE YOU ALL! |
| 2 0 0 8 |
"Why do the sped huts have internet access now?"
|
| Cray: | Sped huts! Excellent! |
| Andy: | Why do they? We don't need drool in the tubes! |
| 2 0 0 8 |
"Did you soil your underoos?"
|
| Bear: | Andy, stop covering up for what you always do. |
| Andy: | I don't get that... |
| Bear: | Like other things |
| Andy: | What? |
| Cray: | I think what she's saying is that you crap yourself and are a virgin. I'm not sure if there is a correlation implied, but I could see how there could be one. |
| Andy: | Dammit! Leave me alone! |
| 2 0 0 8 |
"Golden Retriever to you too."
|
| Bear: | Puppies! |
| Cray: | Silly... |
| Andy: | I thought it was witty. |
| 2 0 0 8 |
"WHOA! What the f***? Did this guy just tell children to blindfold each other and then strip each other? Are you friggin' kidding me?"
|
| Bear: | You know Andy would do it too...he loves those young girls. |
| Cray: | They would smell him coming in his dirty underoos. |
| Andy: | My underoos don't stink! |
| Cray: | Seriously though, Jok Church is a sick f***. |
| 2 0 0 8 |
"The only thing this column is missing is an invitation for the children to film their 'experimenting' and send it to Beakman."
|
| Bear: | Ewwwww! |
| Cray: | Film it with the free digital video camera you made in last week's column! |
| 2 0 0 8 |
"For $10, you can buy a knife and stab yourself in the balls. That would be far less painful than the humiliation of being seen driving a Toyota."
|
| Andy: | Colorful, Douche. |
| Bear: | Give me the knife...I'll stab Andy in the balls. |
| 2 0 0 8 |
"Delivered by: FedEX, when it absolutely, positively has to be there in 1 to 8 pieces sometime this month"
|
| Bear: | Ooh, look mom... we got a puzzle from uncle Leroy! |
| Andy: | One time I got FedEXed a puzzle... and all the pieces were stuck together! |
| 2 0 0 8 |
"Luckily, my pain was sensed by some of my loyal porn girls who were camping out on my palace lawn waiting to just get a glimpse of my 1337N355, and they used their super porn girl abilities to rush in and carry me to a proper medical facility."
|
| Cray: | Porn girls have super powers? |
| Bear: | More like proper mental facility! |
| Andy: | Hey! |
| Bear: | The only things on your lawn are Gnomes....The pointy hats should give that away.. |
| Andy: | Porn girls wear pointy hats! |
| 2 0 0 8 |
"This Tard is so over the top that it looks like his hair is trying to escape."
|
| Bear: | The dude is trying to get Don West's attention so he can show him his awesome Pokemon hair. |
| Andy: | I bet that Tard touches himself to Pikachu |
| Cray: | You and your Tards, Andy. If these people ever find you, they'll drool on you until you drown. |
| Andy: | They'll never find me. Their leader, Andrew Nierman, thought I lived in Amsterdam. |
| 2 0 0 8 |
"TNA wonders why iMPACT can't get ratings... maybe it has something to do with PUTTING PEOPLE THIS F***ED UP LOOKING ON TV!"
|
| Cray: | Your insider intelligence is astounding, Andy. |
| Andy: | Douche... |
| Bear: | That poor kid is praying that Ninja Andy will come down the tARDPACT ramp... poor guy's wish will never come true... and I mean Andy! |
| Andy: | Douchette... |
| 2 0 0 8 |
"Does everyone in the iMPACT Zone have to open their mouth wide enough to launch V-2 rockets?"
|
| Cray: | They're trying to desperately catch as much logic as possible. Sadly, there's not enough to go around. |
| Andy: | What the hell are you talking about? |
| Cray: | Never mind. |
| Bear: | Either that, or they like weiners... |
| 2 0 0 8 |
"That's what whores are for."
|
| Andy: | Keep smilin' keep shinin' |
| Cray: | Knowing you can always count on me for sure |
| Andy: | That's what whores are for! |
| Cray: | For good times and bad times |
| Andy: | Hey honey can you break a roll of dimes... or four? |
| Cray: | That's what whores are for! |
| Bear: | OMG!! |
| 2 0 0 8 |
"i want you to fart in my ass as i eat your ass out"
|
| Bear: | LMAO! |
| Cray: | Is that even possible? |
| Andy: | Trying to picture it makes my head hurt. |
| 2 0 0 8 |
"i want to put my ass in your ass and smell it"
|
| Bear: | ROFLMAO! |
| Cray: | Now I KNOW that's not physically possible! |
| Andy: | The sad thing is, it's the "smell it" part that creeps me out most. |
| 2 0 0 8 |
"Somebody needs to get Jason a dictionary and circle the definitions of 'virgin' and 'bisexual.'"
|
| Cray: | You could say that about a lot of people. |
| Andy: | You shouldn't write in your books. |
| 2 0 0 8 |
"The 'virgin' who just wants 'to know what it feels like' is a bisexual man, leaning heavily towards gay who has previously participated in incest and is into:
|
| Cray: | Typical night at the Prime Minister's palace... |
| Bear: | Oh, SNAP! |
| Andy: | That was not 1337! |
| 2 0 0 8 |
"Kung Fu Panda is a complete friggin' Ninja Andy ripoff!"
|
| Cray: | More or less... but your counter was a complete ripoff of my Gracin counter. |
| Andy: | Hey, I'M the victim here! I'm the original uber1337N355! |
| Bear: | You only think you're that good. |
| 2 0 0 8 |
"Since stripping is pointless if you are only wearing a black belt and 1337 bandana, I wore the brown pants so I would have something to strip out of."
|
| Cray: | Sadly, he makes a good point... |
| Bear: | *wishes andy had those pants back on* |
| 2 0 0 8 |
"I think the new GoDaddy girl is 6 kinds of ass ugly"
|
| Andy: | Ewww! That chick is nassssty! |
| 2 0 0 8 |
"let's just say that after this article is up for a bit, it will inspire Kurt Angle to build himself a large robot to vanquish his foes: Olympizord! ...or something equally as lame. I'll leave that as an exercise for the class."
|
| Andy: | Olympizord, power up! |
| Bear: | Go planet... I mean Angle! |
| 2 0 0 8 |
"Big, blackout tinted glasses are for blind people and Tards. He notices the camera in front of him, so he is not blind."
|
| Bear: | I don't know what to say about this guy other than: Does he want to sell me a Pepsi? |
| Cray: | You got the right one, baby... |
| Andy: | I think I'm gonna go urp now... |
| 2 0 0 8 |
"This guy has been dead for 6 years! The iMPACT Zone is inhabited by undead Tards... and they put them on the air."
|
| Bear: | Well at least he doesn't have to dress up for Halloween. |
| Cray: | Damn that kid is disturbing! |
| 2 0 0 8 |
"It's been 6 weeks since this Tard has made dookies. He is currently trying his hardest to soil his underoos. He is failing."
|
| Bear: | I agree. He needs to take a dump. |
| Andy: | Somebody get that Tard an oven! |
| 2 0 0 8 |
|
| Andy: | Who writes those random thoughts anyway? |
| Cray: | I think that's a mystery we shall never solve. |
| 2 0 0 8 |
"Being a tub of goo in a Hollister shirt doesn't make you a Tard (but it helps)."
|
| Cray: | But, being a tub of goo in a black belt makes you a ninja? |
| Andy: | Correct. |
| Bear: | His shirt shouldn't say Hollister...It should say I'm a Tard...duuuuuuurrrrrr! |
| Cray: | Coming soon to shoptna.com... |
| 2 0 0 8 |
"Really, WWE? myNetworkTV? That's the best deal you could get? Wasn't there some kid with a projector he could shine on the side of a building or something?"
|
| Andy: | Maybe a guy could watch what's happening and yell really loud? |
| Cray: | So many ways to extend their range... |
| 2 0 0 8 |
"WTSN 63 in Evansville. The station has like a 72 foot range! DirecTV doesn't offer their programming, possibly because they require the station to have a 75 foot range before they bother with them."
|
| Andy: | Stupid rules! It's hard to beat 72 feet. It hurts my voice if I do it for two straight hours. |
| 2 0 0 8 |
"WCJT. They aren't listed as a myNetworkTV affiliate, so I suppose they are broadcasting crickets or footage of that tool Scott Allen spanking it to MCHS football footage... really, I don't know as I haven't gotten within 36 inches of the transmitter."
|
| Cray: | I loved this comment. It still cracks me up. |
| 2 0 0 8 |
"no more McScrawny McSkank!"
|
| Andy: | You mean Norm MacDonald? |
| Cray: | No. |
| Andy: | Ronald McDonald? |
| Cray: | No. |
| Andy: | Chicken McNugget? |
| Cray: | No. |
| Bear: | Aww, don't insult the only women Andy can get. |
| Andy: | Every woman on Earth? |
| Cray: | No! |
| 2 0 0 8 |
"Yes... of course... I meant "network network." That makes perfect sense."
|
| Andy: | Double the network, double the fun! On MySpace, I like to share my extended network with all the ladies! |
| 2 0 0 8 |
"(Orlando, FL) To build upon the success (ok, to leech off of the success) of the recent theatrical release, Kung Fu Panda, Total Nonstop Action Wrestling has announced that they have signed Andyville's Prime Minister Ninja Andrew Nathaniel Panda Jr. to a lucrative contract. TNA officials (ok, Don West) cite that Ninja Andy is a multiple time Purplehead Wrestling champion, despite the fact that the PHW promotion does not actually exist. When reached for comment on the subject, Ninja Andy replied: 'What the f*** is TNA? You mean that show with the Tards in the crowd? F*** that. Now leave me alone while I work on my lawsuit against Dreamworks for stealing my gimmick!' Despite his response, TNA still insists he is signed, even revealing the plans for his gimmick. Andy's name will be changed to Pandakind. However, for some bizarre reason, he will be in a duck suit and speak only in Hebrew. He will be added to the AJ Styles/Karen Angle/Kurt Angle love triangle as another suitor. This will lead to the money payoff of Kurt Angle being able to use the term 'DuckTard' at TNA's Bound for Slamdown PPV."
|
| Andy: | That wasn't me. That was from the Fanboy Dirtwire |
| Cray: | Right... |
| 2 0 0 8 |
"However, that might all be because she's not on MySpace, but on MySpace Canada. They don't even have gravity there yet!"
|
| Cray: | Great research, Panda. |
| 2 0 0 8 |
"you'd pronounce KinkyLaura as Kanna and DirtySarah as Diarrhea. Wait... Kanna Diarrhea? OMG! This is like that cult that craps in bottles!"
|
| Cray: | Always get back around to the feces, don't we? |
| 2 0 0 8 |
"You win, Takeesha Chase! Nobody can make you look like a tool more than you. I won't even try anymore."
|
| Cray: | Pan down, pan down, pan down... strangely unforgettable... no matter how hard you try. |
| Andy: | See? That means it's 1337! |
| 2 0 0 8 |
|
| Bear: | That's some crazy sh*t. |
| Cray: | Beautiful! |
| 2 0 0 8 |
"At some point, I became an asshole... funny how that happens."
|
| Andy: | SOME POINT? |
| Bear: | You're less of an asshole than Andy. He's a m34n 455h013. |
| Andy: | I'm gonna slap you in the tits if you keep that up... |
| 2 0 0 8 |
"Any of your morons need a diagram?"
|
| Andy: | Douche. |
| 2 0 0 8 |
"Everyone still gets wet. What a pity."
|
| Bear: | Getting wet is good... unless it's by someone like Andy. |
| Andy: | HEY! Quit it! I told you to stop! You're fired! |
| Bear: | You can't fire me you fat little s*** obsessed midget! I QUIT! This article is OVER! |
